sophie-keep-smiling

19 years old English literature student. A lover of tea and trees, coffee and cake, poems and pretty things, a believer in smiling, laughing, living and trusting in the possibility of happiness, whatever life may throw.
Type one Diabetes and Anorexia are two conditions i have, but they are not adjectives.
I am defined by the choices I make, which as with every life will include lows and highs. This blog is where I chart some of it, and if you have come along for the walk i admire your patience and perseverance!
Oh, and on a final note - Millie says hi x

Favourite dress and happiness pendant, ready for fillet steak, brownies (good ol’ Betty) and ice-cream! #positivethoughts

Anonymous said: Do you know of Nicole is okay? She still looks so ill, it's worrying. X

Nicole a beautiful blossoming flower, and one of my biggest inspirations for what real recovery is. That is all I have to say ☺️

Anonymous said: Hey Sophie! I follow you on Instagram and saw that you had recommended a shop in Bath, I was wondering, do you live there?? Because I'm going there for Uni in September! I'm so nervous but excited. If you had any recommendations of shops or things to do it would be so helpful! Thank you xx

I do indeedy ☺️ well, just outside!
Okay so apart from Sugar Loaf, places you must go are: Boston Tea Party and Society Cafe, both in this little square just opposite The Odeon.
Milsom Place has lots of nice restaurants, such as Carluccio’s, Jamie’s and Cote. Obviously as a student eating out isn’t something you do in abundance, but good to know about!
Victoria Park is just lovely; we sometimes take Millie for walks there, and it is perfect for Summer picnics and general outdoor gatherings.
Southgate is where you’ll find most of the clothes shops, but if you want bigger stores you can get the train/bus to Cabbot Circus in Bristol ☺️
Bath is honestly such a lovely place to be! If I didn’t live here (and if it actually did my course 😂) it is a university I would seriously have considered because a) it’s so well ranked (well done for getting in!) and b) a simply wonderful City.

Anonymous said: Sophie, your doing really well. I tried to imagine what having diabetes is like and you are coping like a trooper as it must be so damn tough. But recovery will get easier and families are challenging at times I know. They do have your best intentions at heart and want health for you. Keep plodding on, it'll all be worth the guilt. Think babies!!! Xxx

This message was wonderful on so many levels ☺️
My mum actually keeps subtly slipping babies and “future grandchildren” into conversation; makes me realise I’m not the only one thinking about it.
The babies WILL happen! Someday, they will ☺️ xxx

Basically had an intervention in the car because mum thought I was purging again, says I’ve “never been more restrictive” and yeah… Suffice to say I was confused!
Reminded me of one thing though - communication. Mum just assumes the worst, and it’s because she worries so so much.
Thankfully I corrected her on quite a few misassumptions she’d made, but it does hurt. It hurts to know the trust is broken, but only time can heal it.
The one thing I know is that she loves me; that’s why the anger and extremity surfaces.
“If you kill yourself, you kill me”. Her words. Words that have left me with blotched eyes two hours on, but words that are true.
I love you mum, and I am so, so sorry. I will prove to you. I will prove to myself. I will prove I can do this.

Wanted to both prove to mum, and to myself, that I can do this. As her and my sister mysteriously asked me to run along while they were in the waitrose “home” section, I said I would get some snack type food and voila ☺️ pack of Oreos and Gu White choc and raspberry mousse! I steered away from the lovely Eve’s puddings, because variety is key 👍 picked these up! I also found myself considering other options I wouldn’t have even a month ago, so each week I will make my way through them ☺️ 
Get to self-checkout with mum, I hoped she’d seem happy. What does she say? “Why have you bought organic almonds? Don’t you realise how much more expensive they are?” Aaargh! I told her that I searched high and low for the regular ones, but could not find them… But now money guilt is so high. She said “you need to look at the price of stuff” - I am always the one hunting for deals! The 3 for 2 offers, longest sell-by dates… I’m the one who she knows has severe spending money anxieties; who always says “we don’t need to buy this, it’s too expensive” and she ends up reprimanding me for that! 🙈 I did also point out to her how dad spent a rather ridiculous amount last week on deli stuff for himself, but does he ever get reprimanded? 
So yes, little frustrated right now, but still… Proud of myself for buying this, especially after the drama earlier. I can do recovery, I can prove people wrong. I will get better.

Anonymous said: Do you know what triggered your diabetes? I know some people are born with a pancreas that doesn't work but I don't think you were born with diabetes?

I’ve been told that many t1 diabetics, even if born with a working pancreas, are predisposed to it. An exact cause has not yet been found, hence the overall struggle to find a cure!
However, we think the actual trigger was a virus that I caught when we were visiting Newcastle - it was our first visit back, after we moved down here, which has
I think scarred it quite a bit for mum; she said she will forever regret going back up, because this happened. I always tell her how there is no reason for her to feel this way! If it wasn’t that virus, it would have been another. My body, at some point, was going to start attacking the pancreas cells. It’s more a case of when, not if.
I think it was about a 6 week timescale, between this and diagnosis. It’s a gradual process; many newly diagnosed diabetics have something called the “honeymoon” period, where their body is still producing some insulin. However, my doctors said that apparently my honeymoon was a very short one!

Gosh I don’t know what has happened but I have just hit the wall! At dinner I was struggling to keep my eyes open, but trying desperately because Charlotte was home. A little after we finished she’s mum suggested I go and have a lie down. My blood sugar was okay before dinner; a tad high, but nothing major.
As soon as I sat on my bed I crashed and fell asleep! I woke up an hour later and I could hear bowls scraping downstairs. I went down, and they’d all nearly finished dessert. Cue internal panic, mum suddenly looks guilty and says “I’m sorry we didn’t get you”. I’m looking at it from their angle, that they wanted me to sleep, as dad said “we were just going to leave you for the night”. Still, anorexia is naturally “well they obviously don’t think you need to have dessert” and so forth. Well I didn’t listen. Mum had made Betty Crocker - how could I abandon BETTY?! 🙈 All the ice-cream had been used, but I had Greek yoghurt, strawberries and now this. Some nuts too. To be honest I don’t even have the energy to think about calories; I barely had enough to think about carbs! I stayed for a little bit, before coming up now and I am ready to place my head on the pillow for good tonight. I haven’t been getting much sleep at all, and a combo of that and blood sugars has hit. I can’t remember feeling quite THIS exhausted in so long. I apologized to Charlotte for being “such a bore”, but if I get sleep now I will be much chirpier in the morning. She said she understood. I did notice that a whole new bottle of wine had been opened and stood empty on the table - my dad and sister were certainly exhibiting their more talkative and black and white selves! Dad especially - Charlotte was talking about the happenings of her old uni friends, and he was quite damning re the actions of one of them who he knows has mental health issues… Now I can hear him downstairs snapping at mum! 🙈😌
I do feel left out a little, that they didn’t come see how I was/say they were having pudding. I also do feel guilty for having it; my mind is a little more fragile tonight, with carb/food anxieties, again a product of diabetes/sleep deprivation.
Time for bed!

Always room for milk 🙏 now time for bed! Officially hit the wall 😌