sophie-keep-smiling

19 years old English literature student. A lover of tea and trees, coffee and cake, poems and pretty things, a believer in smiling, laughing, living and trusting in the possibility of happiness, whatever life may throw.
Type one Diabetes and Anorexia are two conditions i have, but they are not adjectives.
I am defined by the choices I make, which as with every life will include lows and highs. This blog is where I chart some of it, and if you have come along for the walk i admire your patience and perseverance!
Oh, and on a final note - Millie says hi x

An a more positive note I just made myself a tuna, egg and mayo sandwich and slapped on the mayo, no thought of weighing as WHY would I do that?! I was initially going to do a tuna and pastrami sandwich, so had a couple of pastrami slices out but then changed my mind to egg. I just ate the pastrami slices while the egg cooked. Why not?
That’s the question you always need to ask. Why not? If the answer is “fear”, the second answer is “eat it”. If the answer is “anorexia”, remember it is a destructive murderer and you want to live.
That’s your real answer.

It’s moments like this, when I feel the pain in my side, take out the set and blood drips down my leg… I just can’t take the laughter next door. I can’t understand it.
I can’t take that my life is so messed up in so many ways, but I say nothing and indulge other people’s fears and anxieties through support, feeling I warrant none of it.
When I asked out of curiosity about diabetes and old and so forth, I said I can technically eat “anything”. I explained how I manage through carb counting, as opposed to management (in an ideal world!) and I guess that would have been a gateway to maybe opening up about the ED… I did mention though how that’s why I weigh certain foods such as cereal and pasta; that’s alleviated my subconscious anxieties over weighing those foods when others are in the kitchen!
It’s moderation - finding that balance.
But right now I feel so empty.

Currently near tears because N is using my “I feel infinite” bowl and I’m just so worried about things breaking that aren’t replaceable and mean so much.
I am anxious about the state of the kitchen.
Part of me wonders if it’s ED compulsiveness and cleanliness, but I don’t think it is.
I think it is a by-product of growing up where my mum and sister has impossible and unrealistic expectations of order and tidiness. My dad said it “wasn’t normal”, but I’ve grown up believing I am messy and disorganised! I’m actually the opposite.
I don’t think sleep deprivation helps.
Is the bowl thing really pathetic though? It’s not like I have an obsession with crockery of all kinds! Cutlery, plates, cooking utensils - all fine. It’s these two bowls, and my mug. Not linked to contamination, but a fear of breaking. I can’t replace them, and I need them.
I might mention it to the girls, but I don’t want to rock the boat and have them annoyed with me.
Gosh - I really am my mother’s daughter!

This is really hard, but I can NOT set a precedent for me doing all the menial jobs. My personality would make this a very likely possibility. My compulsion to help people, and my engrained neat-freakness courtesy of Mum and Charlotte. You think I’m messy mum?! 
But I can’t. It creates an expectation and you must start as you mean to go on. I will take out the bins as I’m going out after I’ve showered. I will put he stuff on the draining board away. But I will not dip my hand in this mucky, cold water where none of the dishes are mine. I won’t! Gosh this is hard 🙈 should I just do it? I do all my washing up as soon as I finish eating; it’s a habitual routine.
Hmm… Calm Soph. It doesn’t matter!

So… Got to bed at 5am! The almost inevitable happened. Here voices as 2am, but a couple of unfamiliar voices and I realise something is wrong. Go out of my room and see the pink t-shirts that mean one thing “welcome team”… Aka the people there on nights out in Freshers to help people get back home.
L and I were at a classics social. L’s year-long boyfriend split up with her out of the blue on Tuesday, just after she’d booked a trip to Paris for them. Essentially, he just decided he diff want to be tied down in “one relationship”. What a guy… People get buying L drinks to try and make her “feel better” but she just broke down and it reached the point where she could barely walk. Me and N then proceeded to talk to I about what happened, what we should do and so forth. N was really quite ruthless - in a good way! She said that L needs to either go home for the weekend, or find a way to suck it up for all of us because these last three days it’s like we’re all experiencing the break-up! Thing is - I would never say this to L. That’s me - I feel a compulsive need to help people, would go to the edge of the earth and back. However, I was prod of myself that I did say to N and I “the reality is that you’ve got to do a bit of mind over matter, as I’ve tried to do for the past week”. Just a subtle reminder that I am going through a horrid bereavement - was this uncalled of for me? I haven’t cried in front of them. I front of anyone. I’ve fought so hard not to. Now though… N actually said “I can’t take this anymore” and it made me realise that with all of this going on I can’t be any more of an emotional burden on the house. I have a feeling next week is going to be harder, because it will all hit me. Maybe this is when I need D (old neighbour in halls) and R’s friendship more than ever. God I just don’t feel it’s fair though! They didn’t make my grandpa die, so why should they bear the burden? Why should anyone?
I’m a little frustrated as I only just woke up and had breakfast, have missed the start of the “mind your head” soc meet and greet, and to top it off am unsure if this set it working. I might go to the latter part of the meet and greet, then wonder round town and try to finally get some brogues! Tonight we were going to do my bday meal but I told the other two it’s probably sensible not to. Kind of feel my birthdays ship has sailed anyway! Think I’m going to go out with R and D tonight. I feel awful for doing things without my flat, but I need to try and do more things for me and get off this guilt train for everything. I need to try.

So glad I stayed in. Me and N just spent two hours chatting about so many random different things, from boys to politics and wow we really are so similar in so many different things!
Currently doing the cryptic crossword haha ☺️ waiting for the last of the going out brigade to leave so noise will die down.
Moments like this make me happy. Like my evening chocolate muffin. Little things.

Who needs to go out when you have this chocolate food porn in a bowl? Offered one to N as well after she gazed longingly at my bowl! Waitrose you do good 🙏 she also laughed as apparently the noise I made on the first mouthful would have given Nigella a run for her money 🙈 no shame.
I have been struggling more with overt “dessert” type food and thoughts of indulgence, so picked this to make a point to myself more than anything, but oh my god has it hit the spot. As much as I love nature valleys, I don’t want them all the time. Alcohol calories do not constitute a “snack” and as good as milk is for me, I again can’t rely on it. Food like this is healthy for me right now. It is good.
Food is not an indulgence, it is a necessity. So why not enjoy it?! And for anyone who loves quest bars, this has true #chunkporn so please go and purchase! There’s nothing wrong with liking them; the banana and brownie ones I tried were good. But so is this. It’s about making that FREE CHOICE.

“You forget what it was like. You’d swear on your life you never will, but year by year it falls away. How your temperature ran off the mercury, your heart galloped flat-out and never needed to rest, everything was pitched on the edge of shattering glass. How wanting something was like dying of thirst. How your skin was too fine to keep out any of the million things flooding by; every color boiled bright enough to scald you, any second of any day could send you soaring or rip you to bloody shreds.”

—   Tana French, The Secret Place (via quoted-books)