I dwell in possibility

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Anonymous asked: Have you considered the minnie maud method of recovery or would that not be suitable for honest diabetic reasons?

I have looked at it. I have read the YourEatopia guidelines and so forth. I won’t pretend i haven’t. I also have SO much admiration for people who do.

I think, for me, i want to get above 2000 for sure. But i don’t think MM is right for me. Part of this is diabetes related, but also my personality.

I am a perfectionist. I think by choosing a ‘method’ i would become so cross with myself and hard on myself, and for me i can’t simply ‘make minimums’ with an emergency pint of B&Js. I know this isn’t part of MM - please don’t think i’m making stereotypes! But things such as a “calorie catch-up” at the end of the day; that isn’t really an easy option for me. My eating does, to a certain degree, have to be spaced out and so forth. Realistically, i can’t eat a pint of ben and jerries in one sitting. While i have the insulin pump and 90% of the time this is great (i’m on the 10% right now sadly!) it can’t work like a human body. It just can’t, Especialyl at the end of the evening, when my body is about the go into “fast” mode, it’s best not to have lots of sugar so my blood sugar goes crazy overnight!

I think what makes me most anxious about MM is the “non-negotiable” ascpet of it. Oh gosh that will sound disordered… here me out! If my blood sugars are utterly shit one day, unless i ate like 5 bags of nuts, i might struggle to meet minimums and that comes back to the perfectionist side of my personality. I do want to get to over 2000, closer to 2500 ideally, to help repair my body and my mind mostly! But i kind of like doing my own method, if that makes sense? So i definitely do take inspiration from MM blogs etc… and have so much admiration for people who do it! However, i’m not sure it’s right for me? People may think this is the ED talking - who knows, maybe it is. But i hope i have rationalised it out here - it actually helped me to write, so thank-you! 

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Anonymous asked: What about starting some counselling - either diabetic counselling or not, it doesn't really matter as I feel you'd benefit from either. Maybe having someone to vent to, and starting some mindfulness therapy or something similar, might give you some breathing space and be of help? I can't imagine how hard it is for you living with these 2 conditions, I have a lot of respect for you x

I have considered this, it’s just implementing it. I might talk to my diabetes nurse when i see her on friday about if she could recommend a therapist? I would have to go private, and will likely have a big debate with my mum trying to convince her to let me pay. 

It’s also logistics, what with going on holiday and then not having long really before going back to uni, once i return! My doctor at Exeter is contacting the Haldon unit, and is also going to see about therapy options there. I think i will most likely go through the wellbeing centre again to see if i can get some support, as i did find that really helpful (they did mindfulness!) It definitely helped me deal mentally with my diabetes in third term; if i hadn’t had it/the doctor i think i would have slipped far more and been unlikely to see the term through, so i am incredibly grateful and know similar support could help me now. 

Thank-you :) xxx

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Anonymous asked: You're fooling yourself... You're still in quasi if you're eating 1200 calories. That is starvation. You need to increase to more than double that amount

Where did i say i was eating 1200…? Oh and i never said i wasn’t in quasi, so i’m not “fooling myself”.

I’m keeping on keeping on, making the decision to eat everyday, increasing bit by bit - did you not see my posts yesterday? Doing this all despite diabetes crappness. Giving myself some credit for that :) 

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Anger and guilt - emotions of the day. With a side plate of numbness, dejection, all those delightful things.
I’m sorry for negativity, I just feel so lost and alone with this. Did my first post on diabetes UK forum in I don’t know how long though! I’ve had breakfast, now countdown to moment of truth with me blood sugar… Overthinking carbs, terrified of them, yet having them. Will this ever go away?
Diabetes won’t. I’m not one of those people to pin all their hopes on a cure; I feel my efforts are better directed in trying to learn it live with it. That being said, my last “coping mechanism” didn’t work out too great, did it? 😌
Yesterday’s willpower as faded a bit. In trying to get it back; I just hate how twisted this irony is. When I actively try to make a jump, something happens with diabetes and it’s just shit. And no one can change it. I’m not looking for pity - I just need to write out my thoughts.
TW TW I’m fed up of this. It’s wearing me down and I have so little energy left now. Energy I need. To top it off I’m on my 3rd outfit of the day and have been up less than an hour! Feel crap about my body, feel like a “fake” because I’m stuck in a virtually healthy body with an unhealthy mind and having acted against health for quite some time now.
I want to sleep. That’s all I want to do right now. Shut my eyes and be far away where none of this can hurt me.

Filed under diabetes ed recovery thoughts

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Feel ridiculously full but trying to rationalise it all.
In other news, had breaded chicken for the first time in an age and stayed relatively calm when giving my insulin 👍 also think it’s highest cal home dinner in a while, so progress.
Still unsure if this new infusion set it working properly, very much hoping so as it shooting up at the end of the evening really wouldn’t be ideal! But if it has - I will just have to manage it. Be stoical. Further motivation to get more padding on my body 🙈

Filed under ed recovery

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Anonymous asked: What do you think of the whole #showmeyourpump thing? Hope you're well today :) X

I think it’s AMAZING! Makes me so happy 😊 for those who don’t know, it’s a bit of a campaign started by Miss Idaho, who wore her insulin pump in a pageant for all the world to see.
My insulin pump is something I refuse to be ashamed of. But on the past I have been made to feel uncomfortable. At an airport once, a security guard tugged at the external tube because he wanted me to take the pump off… Why not just ask me?! Then at a nightclub, a bouncer accused me of trying to smuggle in something in the back of my bra?! I was like “it’s my insulin pump - keeping me alive and all that” 🙈
For years now I have also never worn a bikini because a) scar tissue on my stomach from when I put my sets there b) my insulin pump infusion set being visible. I feel very exposed But why should I feel self-conscious?
Good on Miss Idaho! 😄

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Having a goal can help to push you.

So today - I am pleased I’ve removed the “obsessive” button of Instagram. I will go on tonight; I will have a browse and I will post, because it does help me. With no professional help right now, this acts as a guide for me, especially as I try to increase.
However, I have thought about food. I can’t help it. My mind focuses on it, overanalyses macros still. I know that’s both ED related, but primarily a symptom of undernourishment. But I’ve fought to try and overlook them. Diabetes, always the impeccable timer… 2 bad infusion sets today! 😔 Majority of blood sugars have been high, insulin not properly delivering, which makes post-eating a ticking time bomb but I’ve tried to be really stoical about it. I’ve done a couple of pen injections to try and bring it down. I’ve snacked on pecans/almonds and made this milk decision to get those calories in.
I was so determined to make this goal; however, after an email from my diabetes nurse and a couple of messages on here, I am trying not to be so overly critical with myself by putting everything on this one number. My diabetes nurse said “how proud” she was of me - that she genuinely hadn’t expected me to have managed to increase carbs, based on how I was when she saw me 3 weeks ago. Far from being triggered by this, I chose the logical road - feeling proud of myself! I am happy I can make her proud, because she has rooted for me and been so supportive in the past 2 years.
So far PTW PTW I think I am on 1200 calories? Maybe slightly lower, but I do factor in nuts and so forth (which I lose track of!) This is up by a good 200 I reckon from precious days, which considering diabetes crappness I am pleased with. If I can have a 4-500 cal dinner, then 300 night snack, I’m there 👍 but if I don’t quite get there, hell it’s a step forward. Like I said - I won’t pin everything on it. My mindset already feels better today. Even when eating a random pecan nut, I feel it’s just nouishment, extra nourishment - I don’t feel as much guilt. Drinking this coffee - more nourishment!
Even the nature valley… PTW I glanced at the packet just after scraping up all the crumbs, and saw the carbs were slightly higher than usual? No jokes, last time I had this bar the other day the carbs were lower; by a silly 2g, but I momentarily panicked 🙈 then I rationalised - the more the better.
I can do this. I can I CAN. Matter over mind.

Filed under ed recovery

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Oh latte I love you. Today’s was a little different… A mix of usual whole milk with added semi-skimmed, taking it to starbucks worthy happy points and paving the way for 300 cal snacking 🙏
Today, I have read. I have been logged into my personal insta since breakfast and have enjoyed scrolling through some life blogs/some of my friends’ pages! I have watched a bit of tv, I read yesterday’s Sunday Times and gosh that made for heart-breaking reading. It really places things into perspective - however, in recent times I get so distracted that I struggle to sit down and just read. I need to get back to that - I want to have views; I want to write about them. Doing y work experience - it reminded me of that! Oh and I’ve also sent my picture off to them to use when the publish my piece on the website ☺️
I love my new trousers - I’ve wanted some like these for years practically, they were in new look and I already know it will be some of the best £20 I’ve ever spent! So so comfy 😄

Filed under life girl update day

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Anonymous asked: What would you pair with high waisted skinny jeans on the top? I jut bought a pair and I'm not sure on how to wear them if you know what I mean! P.s love the holiday choices! And you do not have a boring closet your clothes are super chic I often recreate outfits with you as my inspiration!! Hope your doing well xx

Oh thank-you, this was lovely!
Well this is why I love crop tops 👍 you can buy them in so many places, little cropped canis and so forth. I recently got one for £5 from one of those outdoor stalls like they have in markets such as Camden! It has music notes on it, so cute and quirky ☺️
A slightly flowing crop too is always nice too, as it contrasts with the skinny leg of the jeans!

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Anonymous asked: What is your opinion on exercising during weight restoration? And do you know how the weight gain will go over the body? I am nervous! xxx

Exercise: don’t do it. At least, not proper exercise like running, gyming or dance. It doesn’t matter how much you “love” it, it’s illogical. Your body is in an energy DEFICIT, it needs every previous unit of energy it can get! Exercise just undermines that. Deep down you know the right answer to this.
As for weight gain - it’s your health. Gosh I know it’s scary, but you need this weight. Your body needs this weight. At first, it may go to places like your stomach - that is your body trying to protect its vital organs! This weight gain is not the enemy - it is saving you. It is making your future whole and possible.
Anorexia is the enemy. You deserve rest, nourishment and freedom from this voice. The latter will only come with the first two. #nourishnotpunish